“Just Add a Little Yeast”

meInterview with… is a weekly series from Zikoko that explores the strange and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

(Zikoko arrives at the interview location. When Naira told Zikoko that she would choose the location, a bakery was the last place Zikoko saw the interview.)

Zikoko: What won’t my eyes see for this work, bayi?

(Zikoko takes a deep breath and enters the deserted bakery.)

Zikoko: Hello, is there anyone here? I have an interview with Naira.

Naira: Yes Yes. Welcome!

(Naira comes out in a chef’s hat and apron, covered in flour and smelling of vanilla. Zikoko has never been more confused.)

Naira: Sorry for arriving late. She was in the kitchen, testing a new recipe.

Zikoko: Do ​​you bake?

Naira: Well, I’ve been trying different things since it seems that this whole currency thing is not going well for me.

Zikoko: And you chose to bake? (Zikoko mutters under her breath) Look at me thinking we’ll do this at the CBN office, and I can have some ghana should it come out.

Naira: Did you say something?

Zikoko: I was just asking why you chose to bake.

Naira: Oh yeah. It’s actually a brilliant idea. You see, when baking, yeast makes things rise. I was thinking if I spend enough time baking my body will absorb some of that yeast and I’ll increase my value.

Zikoko: (Looks around for a camera because this can’t be real life.) And how are you doing?

Naira: Well, before the dollar cost ₦890 on the black market. Now, it’s seven hundred and something. The bakery thing is working! A little yeast is all I need, and we’ll be good to go.

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Zikoko: Have you ever heard of a coin that uses yeast to rise?

Naira: Well, no, but there is a first time for everything. There is not? Furthermore, our case is peculiar. I’m a bit desperate and doing my best here.

I am the butt of jokes at every forex meeting. Do you know that the dollar and the pounds used to be my best friends? They used to call me “Mr. Naira” and I was once respected on a global scale. Now I’m just here.

Zikoko: And you think baking will fix that?

Naira: He’s already fixing it. The proof is in the pudding. Speaking of pudding, I have something in the oven. I’ll be right back.

(Naira runs into the kitchen. Zikoko is still confused because what the hell is really going on?)

Naira (returns with a tray of cookies): I apologize for the delay. Do you want a cookie?

(Zikoko chooses one to try and honestly, it’s the best cookie out there.)

Zikoko: Actually, if this coin thing doesn’t

Work, open your own bakery. But first, we need you. Yeast can’t be your only plan.

Naira: It is not! I assure. Meffy came up with something recently and who knows where he will go.

Zikoko: You don’t mean…

Naira: The redesign of naira. First of all, I love a good makeover. The last time I had one was when they made the ₦100 notes in 2014. Look how cute they look now. I think they should redesign all the notes to match. We would have this cute, colorful aesthetic.

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Zikoko: Aesthetic?

Naira: Yes! Look at the pounds and the Canadian dollar. Can’t you see how great they look and how much value they are?

Just because my value is depreciating doesn’t mean I have to look scrappy. Should I look like what I’m going through?

Zikoko: But the rest of us who depend on you seem to be passing.

Naira: Well, you can order your own makeover, I guess. Maybe I’ll cheer you all up.

Zikoko: Do ​​you have another plan?

Naira: Well, we can try to get our kobo out of retirement.

Zikoko: When even 50 is going into retirement, do you want to bring back the kobo?

Naira: I’m doing my best here. Nobody controls me these days. What about how I’m doing mentally? Always, “Why is the Naira like this?” not “How is the Naira?”

You didn’t even know I picked a hobby until you needed me for something. When you were little, you always hated when people compared you to others. Yet every day you compare me to other currencies. Do you know what that does for my mental health?

Zikoko: Sorry. We promise to do better.

Naira: Also, why are you stressing me out about it? Why not pick it up with Meffy? It’s your job to make sure I perform well.

Zikoko: Meffy doesn’t answer us.

Naira: He is being such a naughty child. I’ll talk to him later after my meeting with inflation.

Zikoko: So you plan to do something with inflation?

Naira: I’m going to give him some cookies. She is one of my oldest friends and we have been together a lot longer. I think we might have something special going.

Zikoko: But can’t you see the adverse effects of running with inflation all the time?

Naira: You can’t tell me who to love.

Zikoko: (Getting angry) You have to be kidding.

Naira: I am feeling that this environment has become hostile and I would like to end this interview. The bad vibes won’t be good for the cookies and cream cake I want to bake next.

Zikoko: (Sighs in defeat) Okay, I’ll go now.

Naira: Before you go, you owe me ₦5k for that cookie.

Zikoko: 5k what? It’s just an FGS cookie. I even thought it was free.

Naira: Free? in this economy? Yesterday’s price is not today’s price, my dear. Inflation is expensive to maintain and I like to keep my baby happy.

Zikoko: But 5k for a single cookie is too much.

Naira: Hey, but that’s none of my business.

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